Review: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY

This will be more of a commentary than a review. It’s not like, any of you, really need a review, anyway, right? I’m fairly certain 95% of the people who are going to see this movie, which equates to 95% of EVERYbody—excluding, possibly, those weirdoes who only like chick flicks, My Little Pony, and Woody Allen, which are all tantamount to the same thing, if you want to get technical about it—will have already seen the flick by now, as I sit typing this article. The other 5% will see it NEXT weekend, which may well already be past by the time you read this, in which case EVERYbody who is going to see this film will have already seen it. Ergo, no review is necessary. You don’t need me to tell you that GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY Volume 2 is a flawless film, an instant classic, possibly better, if such a thing is possible, than the first one. You already know that it achieves the perfect mixture of hilarity and heart, pathos and poignancy.

What I don’t get is those people—I’d say roughly 5% of the packed theater when I saw the film—who got up and left during the end credits. Are they so clueless that they don’t know there are more goodies to see? Or do they just not care? You all, having seen the movie by now, know that there are FIVE after-credits scenes to enjoy. For those rare few, is it really more important for them to get out of the parking lot before the rush hits that they’d forego those extras? Maybe they’d already cheated by finding those scenes online? Maybe they all just really, really needed to pee?