It’s the most controversial comic book story to come down the pike (as opposed to the “pipe,” which I often see used in its place; this latter is incorrect; in the 19th Century, a “pike” was a road, hence the expression; Sorry. Self-admitted grammar nazi, here) in years. It raised hackles as soon as the first issue of the new Captain America series hit the stands, revealing that Cap had always been a secret sleeper agent for Hydra. Honestly I didn’t understand the hubbub. I said to myself immediately, “Oh, it’s that Cosmic Cube creature messin’ with Cap’s history.” Seemed obvious to me. (The sentient Cosmic Cube was revealed in the earlier series, the one where all the supervillains were being brainwashed and held prisoner by SHIELD in a makeshift Mayberry; I forget the name of the place. It was the storyline in which Cap, an old man at that point, devoid of the Super Soldier Serum, was made young again by the powers of the Cube.)

SECRET EMPIRE has been good so far, a kickin’ story. The bitchers will bitch, as that’s what they do, but it has thus far been a good read. The thing that really tripped me out occurred in the Free Comic Book Day offering, wherein the now evil Cap was able to lift Mjolnir. Those Cosmic Cubes don’t play, y’all. When they warp reality, they REALLY warp it. Anybody got an Infinity Gem handy?

This will be more of a commentary than a review. It’s not like, any of you, really need a review, anyway, right? I’m fairly certain 95% of the people who are going to see this movie, which equates to 95% of EVERYbody—excluding, possibly, those weirdoes who only like chick flicks, My Little Pony, and Woody Allen, which are all tantamount to the same thing, if you want to get technical about it—will have already seen the flick by now, as I sit typing this article. The other 5% will see it NEXT weekend, which may well already be past by the time you read this, in which case EVERYbody who is going to see this film will have already seen it. Ergo, no review is necessary. You don’t need me to tell you that GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY Volume 2 is a flawless film, an instant classic, possibly better, if such a thing is possible, than the first one. You already know that it achieves the perfect mixture of hilarity and heart, pathos and poignancy.

What I don’t get is those people—I’d say roughly 5% of the packed theater when I saw the film—who got up and left during the end credits. Are they so clueless that they don’t know there are more goodies to see? Or do they just not care? You all, having seen the movie by now, know that there are FIVE after-credits scenes to enjoy. For those rare few, is it really more important for them to get out of the parking lot before the rush hits that they’d forego those extras? Maybe they’d already cheated by finding those scenes online? Maybe they all just really, really needed to pee?

If you’re one of those people bitching about Marvel making Captain America into a Hydra agent, you need to realize that, by generating publicity, you are doing Marvel a big favor. You are encouraging the company to keep pulling just such stunts as this. Publicity generates revenue, and it all comes down to sales. Your bitching is putting money in Marvel’s coffers.

Still, Marvel does care enough about the feelings of its faithful—or at least pretends a sham concern—to address all those Twitter comments and blog posts. Their message to the fans: “At Marvel, we want to assure all of our fans that we hear your concerns about aligning Captain America with Hydra and we politely ask you to allow the story to unfold before coming to any conclusion…What you will see at the end of this journey is that his heart and soul — his core values, not his muscle or his shield — are what save the day against Hydra and will further prove that our heroes will always stand against oppression and show that good will always triumph over evil.” In other words, Cap will overcome. Cap will return to his status quo. Is there anyone out there dense enough to seriously believe Marvel would LEAVE cap as a Nazi?

Listen, people. It’s a Cosmic Cube, okay? The Cosmic Cube that made cap young again? Remember that? Cosmic Cubes warp reality. The Cosmic Cube turned Cap into a Hydra agent. And Cap’s inherent decency, and the strength of his character will shatter that reality. Cap’s goodness will turn out to be stronger even than reality itself. It will all be okay. Breathe.